Thinking about the past

Variation on the Word Sleep

by Margaret Atwood

I would like to watch you sleeping,  

which may not happen. 

I would like to watch you, 

 sleeping. I would like to sleep 

 with you, to enter 

 your sleep as its smooth dark wave 

 slides over my head 

 and walk with you through that lucent 

 wavering forest of bluegreen leaves 

 with its watery sun & three moons 

 towards the cave where you must descend, 

 towards your worst fear

 I would like to give you the silver 

 branch, the small white flower, the one 

 word that will protect you 

 from the grief at the center 

 of your dream, from the grief 

 at the center. I would like to follow 

 you up the long stairway 

 again & become 

the boat that would row you back 

carefully, a flame 

in two cupped hands 

 to where your body lies 

 beside me, and you enter 

 it as easily as breathing in 

 I would like to be the air 

that inhabits you for a moment 

only. I would like to be that unnoticed 

and that necessary.

The Edit

 How do you edit a wardrobe spread over three rooms into two suitcases? In my case, badly. Did I carry the things that gave me most joy? No. Sexist, prettiest? No. I packed flannel pajamas. I packed puffa jackets. Sweatshirts. I packed a month's supply of underwater. Two night creams. 16 lipsticks. One Diptyque candle. All my jewellery. And only 6 pairs of shoes. Currently I can wear two.

I just watched a TED Talk about editing your life to make you happier, how most of us have too much stuff. Am I happier without my clothes and shoes? Mostly I'm anxious; it's difficult being a student. Live in jeans, did someone say? For the past three years, jeans were one-offs. Not be judged on clothes? Is that possible? And do I just stop caring about what I wear?

The truth is, getting ready has just got faster. I don't need to try on five pairs of shoes to see which ones work. If I'm walking a lot I wear sneakers. If I'm walking less, I wear Vans. 

Maybe, in another month, as the course gets more intense, I won't care about what I wear or how I look beyond being ok to be out in public. Maybe I can then concentrate on doing. And learning.